Jokes 2

Wondering
What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an atheist and an insomniac? 
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What are people saying?
A congregant comes up to her rabbi and says: "Rabbi that was the worst sermon I ever heard. You insulted our intelligence and rambled on and on." A congregant who overheard then approaches the rabbi and says: "Oh don't listen to her. She has no mind of her own! She just repeats what everyone else is saying."  

The seal
A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal." 

The boss
One day, Moishe goes up to his boss and says, rather timidly, “Mr. Gold, is it OK if I take tomorrow off? It’s my golden wedding anniversary.” 

“What,” replied Mr. Gold, “Is this what I have to put up with from you every 50 years?”  

Back seat driver
Sara and her daughter were on the way to the mall for an outing.
Suddenly Sara stopped short at a red light causing the car to jolt.
As soon as Sara jerked her 3 year old daughter in the back seat hollered, "Daaaaave".
Not sure why she had called her husband's name, Sara asked her, "why did you say that?".
"Isn't that what you say when someone stops like that", she innocently replied. 

What causes arthritis?
Issy and Rabbi Samuel were sitting next to each other on the train one night. Issy was returning home after another wild party in the City, where he worked, and Rabbi Samuel was going to the Yeshiva to study. They often saw each other on the train and not for the first time, Issy smelled of beer, his shirt was stained, and his eyes were red. 
Issy unfolded his Jewish Chronicle and began to read. After a few minutes, he turned to the Rabbi and asked, "What causes arthritis, Rabbi?" 
Rabbi Samuel replied, "It's caused by loose living, drinking too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man." 
"Really?" replied Issy, "It says here in my paper that the well known Rabbi Jacobs has a very bad case of arthritis." 

A Train Ride
Issy had never been on a train in his life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vursht under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other. He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to have his lunch. Suddenly, a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment. It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.” 

Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”  

In controll
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!" 
They then all wait for the Jew to speak....
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them, and casually says, "I'm not selling!" 

Close Call
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?" 
"That's to talk to God," came the reply. 
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"  "$10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope. 
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?" 
"Yes it is." came the reply. 
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired. 
"A dime a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi. 
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs $10,000 a minute!" 
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."  

Surprised
A woman calls the Rabbi. "I was just notified my husband won the 250 million lottery. I am afraid he will faint when he hears the news. What to do?"
"Send him to me first," says the rabbi.
The man comes to the Rabbi.
"Abe, what would you do if you won the lottery"?
"Ha Rabbi, me? Never! I don't have mazal.
"But who knows maybe you will win. What would you do?"
"Rabbi, stop making jokes with me, it is not happening."
"Abe, let's talk theoretically. If you would win what would you do?"
Rabbi! If I won the lottery, I swear to you, I would give you half!
And the Rabbi fainted!...

Do you do Windows?
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen." 

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." 

Wife texts back 5 mins later: "Computer completely messed up now."  

Put the brakes on it
One day an auto mechanic was working under a car and some brake fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth. "Wow," he thought, "This stuff tastes good!"

The next day he told a friend about his amazing discovery: "I think I'll have a little more today." His friend was concerned but didn't say anything. 

The next day the mechanic drank a whole bottle of brake fluid. A few days later he was up to several bottles a day, now his friend was really worried.

"Don't you know brake fluid is toxic?" said the friend. "You'd better stop drinking it."

"Hey, no problem," the mechanic said. "I can stop any time."

Show Time
Moe Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65, the newspaper obit read.

"The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50." 

A Bargain
So the painters finish painting Abe's home and they hand him the bill. 
Abe notices that by the item "Paint" it says "$0." 
Abe says, "You guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" 
The head painter looks at Abe and says, 
"Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

Bedside Stories 
Bernie was unfortunate to be hit by a 10 ton crane and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, “My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside.” 

“What does she read?” 

“My life insurance policy.” 

One Jew
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. One day, nurse came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. 

She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" 

"Oh," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough." 

Nachas
Hymie walks into his synagogue with a dog. The shammas immediately comes up to him and says, "This is a House of Worship, Hymie, you know you can't bring a dog in here." 

"What do you mean I can’t?" says Hymie, "Look at him, he’s a Jewish dog." 

The shammas then notices that the dog has a tallis bag round its neck. 

Hyme then says to the dog, "Benjamin, daven for me." 

The dog stands on his back legs and says, "Woof woof, woof," then opens the tallis bag, takes out a kippa and puts it on his head, exactly in between its ears. 

"Woof, woof," says the dog who then pulls out a tallis and puts it round his neck. 

"Woof, woof, woof," says the dog who then takes out a siddur and starts to pray, rocking from side to side. 

"That's brilliant," says the shammas, "totally incredible. You must get him on TV and the movies and you could make millions.” 

"You speak to him then," says Hymie, "he wants to be a doctor."  

The Drunk
A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over.
"Alright," says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. "Walk on the white line."
"I'd be happy to," says the drunk "just stop moving the line." 

How Long?
Nathan meets his friend Harry in the mall. "I hear that your mother-in-law has sold her house and moved in with you. Is this true Harry?" 

"Yes it’s true," replies Harry. 

"And I also hear that she’s recently become quite ill," says Nathan. 

"Yes it’s true," replies Harry. 

"In fact, I hear that she’s so ill that she’s been taken into hospital," says Nathan. 

"Yes its true," replies Harry. 

"So how long has she been in hospital?" asks Nathan. 

"In two days time, please God, it will be 2 weeks," replies Harry. 

What a Story
Sam, Abbe and Moishe were waiting in line to get into Heaven. When Sam gets to the front of the line, the Angel said, "Before you can enter you must tell me the story of how you died?" 

"I came home to my apartement and I noticed the door was open, so I knew that there was a thief inside. So I started to search for him, but I couldn’t find where the guy was hiding. However, when I went out onto my balcony, there was this man hanging onto my railings. I was furious and started kicking him but he held on so I got a hammer and battered his fingers. He couldn't take that and had to let go. He fell 20 stories but he somehow landed in some thick bushes and only stunned himself so I ran into my kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the balcony. My aim was perfect – it landed right on top of him, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, all the raw anger got to me. I had a massive heart attack and died on my balcony." 

"That sounds interesting to me," said the Angel and let Sam in. 

He then asks Abbe for his story. 

"It's been a very unusual day for me. I live on the 21st floor and every morning I do exercises on my balcony. Unfortunately, this morning I slipped on the wet floor and fell over the edge. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below mine. All of a sudden, a man burst out onto the balcony and just for a moment I thought I was saved. But he was a madman and started beating me. I somehow held on but when he started hammering at my hands, I had to let go. But I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, winded but OK. But my luck ran out when a fridge fell on me. Now I'm here." 

Once again, the Angel lets Abbe in. 

Moishe came to the front of the line "Picture this," says Moishe, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..." 

Where is Business 

One morning, the teacher asks her class, “All those who want to take a tour of the sewer system, please put up your hand.” 

No one raises their hand except Benjamin, so the teacher asks, “Why do you want to tour the sewer system, Benjamin?” 

“Because,” he replies, “I heard my father tell my mother, ‘Business has gone down the drain’ and I want to go where the business went.”  

Kindness 

One afternoon, Maurice, was driving his Rolls Royce when he passed two poor looking men by the side of the road eating grass. Maurice quickly stopped his car, backed up to the men, wound down his window and asked, "What on earth are you two doing?" 

"I’m starving, I have nowhere to live and I don't have any money to buy food," said one of them. 

"You can come with me to my house, then," said Maurice. 

"But I’ve got a wife and three kids just up the road." 

"So we’ll bring them along, too," replied Maurice. 

"And what about my friend?" 

Maurice turned to the other man and said, "You can come with us, too." 

"But, sir," said the friend, "I’ve got a wife and six children just up the road." 

"OK. So we’ll bring them as well," said Maurice. "Now get in my car, both of you." 

Soon, everyone had been picked up. 

They had been travelling for only a few minutes when one of the men said to Maurice, "You’re very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." 

Maurice replied, "I’m happy to be able to do it. And you'll love my place - the grass is almost a foot tall." 

What did you say? 

A shlimazel decided to try his luck as a handyman, so he started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" 
The fellow said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him the 
paint and other materials that he might need were in the garage. 
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her 
husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the 
house?" 
The man replied, "he should; he was standing on it." 
A short time later, the fellow came to the door to collect her money. 
"You're finished already?" he asked. 
"Yes," the he answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two 
coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by 
the way," he added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." 

Wana play 

Charlie Boswell was a great athlete who became blind during World War II while rescuing his friend from a tank that was under fire. When he returned to the U.S. after the War, he decided to take up a new sport, golf. Years of Practice and determination led him to win the honor of National Blind Golf Champion13 times! One of his heroes was the great golfer Ben Hogan, so it truly was an honor for Charlie to win the Ben Hogan Award in 1958.

Upon meeting Hogan, Charlie was awestruck and told the legendary golfer that his greatest wish was to have one round of golf with the great Ben Hogan.
Hogan was duly honored, after all, he knew Charlie as the great blind player that he was, and truly admired his skills.  

But suddenly Boswell blurted out an unexpected challenge. "Would you like to play for money, Mr. Hogan?"

"Charlie, you know I can't play you for money, it wouldn't be fair!" said Mr. Hogan. Boswell did not flinch. Instead he upped the ante. "Aw, come on, $1,000 per hole!" "I can't. What would people think of me, taking advantage of you and your circumstance," replied the golfer who indeed was able to see.

"Chicken, Mr. Hogan?" 

"Okay," blurted a frustrated Hogan, "I'll play. But I warn you, I am going to play my best!"

"I wouldn't expect anything else," said the confident Boswell. "You're on Charlie. I'll tell you what. You name the time and the place!" A very self-assured Boswell responded: "Fine. 10 o'clock...tonight!"

How did you do that? 

Moishe the farmer had made out a Will that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though this was fair. 

Some years later he died and his sons knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi. 

After much thought, the Rabbi went away and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows. There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home with him. 

A Great Guy 

Abe steps out of his building to hail a taxi and immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just like Saul.”

“Who's Saul?” asks the passenger.

“Saul Gold, of course,” says the cabbie. “Now there was someone who got what he wanted — like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me; I always have to wait ages when I nee something.”

“Nobody’s perfect," says the passenger.

“Except Saul,” says the cabbie. “Saul was a great athlete and could have played in the NFL. Not like me – I'm just a couch potato. Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I've got two left feet.”

“Sounds like Saul was really someone special.”

“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure. And Saul knew how to treat  his wife. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on dinner. Not like me. I'm always getting into arguments with my wife.”

“What an amazing person. How did you meet him?” asks the passenger.

“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.

“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks the passenger.

“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie. 

Buffalo Story 

A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the daughter, Minihorowitz. 

"So, nu," says Minihorowitz, "You'll never believe." 

"What?" says Pocayenta. 

"Today, at high noon, someone proposed to me." 

"So what did you say?" says Pocayenta." 

"I said yes" 

"That's wonderful," says Pocayenta. "She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married." 

"I heard," says Geronowitz, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?" 

"Sittin' Bialy." 

"Sittin' Bialy?" says Pocayenta," of the SoSiouxMe tribe?" 

"That's the one," says Minihorowitz. 

"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?" 

"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz. 

"Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo." 

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed. 

"Geronowitz I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Where's my buffalo?" 

"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day. 

The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so myself, it was  the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding. 

So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it." 

"See what?" says Pocayenta. 

"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!" 

Rivalry 

A father is dealing with sibling rivalry so he takes a five hour course on 
how to deal with it. He is feeling so good about it he stops on the way 
home to buy a brand new football for one son, hoping to spark a good fight 
so he can practice his new skills. He walk in to the house and sees the 
younger son dave. He shows dave the new football and, anticipating an 
uproar, he tells him "Look at this new football I got for Mark". 
Instead of a tantrum Dave runs over to his father and says "wow dad! you 
are the best!
Thinking Dave miss-heard him he says very slowly and clearly "did you hear 
what I said? I got this football for mark." 
"I know" Dave said excitedly, "it was a great trade!" 

Concrete 

There was a rabbi known for his constant preaching about the need to nurture children with warmth and love.

One time he noticed some children who were playing in the freshly laid concrete outside his newly renovated home, their little feet leaving lasting impressions. He became irritated and started chastising the children.

A congregant asked, "How can you, a person who devoted his entire life to teaching warmth to children, speak this way?"

To which the rabbi replied: "You must understand. I love children in the abstract, not the concrete."

Like David 

David's father meets the school principle and asks, "So, how is my David behaving in school?" The Principle replies, "Your David, wow! If only there were 3 boys in this school like your David, this school would be the best in the entire town, perhaps even the country!"

The father is beaming inside until the principle concludes, "The problem is we have 150 boys like him!"

Three wishes 

A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed. 

"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give." 

"We will grant your wish," the hijackers replied. 

"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it." 

"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers. 

"What is your last wish," the hijackers asked the shul president. 

"Please, please shoot me now." 

Forget Something? 

Because their memories were getting so bad with old age, Sadie and Sam had to put things in writing to help them remember them. One night, Sam got up from the couch and said to Sadie, "I’m going to the kitchen for something to eat. Do you want anything while I'm there?" 
Sadie said, "Yes, Sam, some ice cream, please." 
Just as Sam set off she added, "And write it down." 
"Don’t worry, I can remember ice cream," said Sam. 
Then Sadie said, "I also want strawberries on my ice cream... Write it down." 
"No need, I can remember ice cream with strawberries," he replied. 
Sadie added, "But I also want whipped cream on top of the strawberries." 
Sam nodded, but left the room without writing anything down. 
When he returned, Sam was carrying a plate of cold roast beef with mustard.
"Now see what you've done," she said, "You’ve forgotten the toast I asked for."

The kitten 

One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom’s kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn’t come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - “Here kitty kitty,” he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet’s basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution. 

He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn’t reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight. 

Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company. 

Some days later, he met Freda in the Deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats. 

" Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked. 

"You won’t believe me, Rabbi," she replied.  "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the empty sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of Sarah. And that’s why I’m buying cat food!" 

Brave Woman

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." 

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer's wife, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave woman." 

"Maybe so," she said, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my husband fell out."

The Engineer

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, in the midst of the French Revolution, the revolting citizens lead a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

Which Side Are You On?

A hiker stopped at the bank of a fast-flowing river. Spying a simple fellow standing on the opposite bank, he yelled to him, "How do I get to the other side?"

The simpleton scratched his head. He looked up the river. He looked down the river. Then he yelled back to the hiker, "You're already ON the other side!" 

A Job Offer

A young man with his pants hanging half way down, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

 The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. 

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're kiddin me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Birthday gift

One year, Louis didn't know what to buy his mother-in-law for her birthday, so he bought her a large plot in the cemetery. 

The following year, Louis bought her nothing for her birthday and his wife was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness to her mother. 

"So, why didn't you buy her something?" she snapped at him. 

"Well, she hasn't used the gift I gave her last year," he replied.  

That settles it

 A man went to his Rabbi for a bit of marriage counseling. "Rabbi, my wife is always trying to prove that I'm wrong. I think our relationship is on a downward path. How can I turn it around?" The Rabbi answered, "You should go on a relaxing journey together. Take her to a beautiful secluded island."

The man returned home and announced,

"Honey, let's go to Havaii, just the two of us." 

"That would be wonderful," she said, "and by the way, it's pronounced Hawaii." "Oy! I never knew someone so stubborn!" he replied, "it's pronounced Havaii!"

The argument continued, even as they traveled. As they got off the airplane, a native man welcomed them. The husband abruptly stopped his wife and asked the native, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between me and my wife. Is this  Hawaii  or Havaii?" 

"This is Havaii," the man replied. "Aha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "Didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right!" As they began to walk away, he turned to the native and said, warmly, "Thank you!" The native replied, "You're velcome!" 

The mobile phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. 

"Hello," says Sidney. 

"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?" 

"Yes," replies Sidney. 

"Well I'm at the shopping centre," she says, "and I’ve found a beautiful leather coat. It's $450. Can I buy it?" 

"OK, " says Sidney, "go ahead and buy it if you like it that much." 

"Thanks," she replies. "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the latest models. I saw one that I really liked." 

"How much was it?" asks Sidney. 

"$37,000," she replied. 

"For that price," says Sidney, "I would take it with all the options." 

"Great," she says. "Just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000 for it now." 

Sidney says, "Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don’t offer more than $720,000." 

"OK," she says, "I'll see you later. I love you." 

"Bye, I love you too." says Sidney and then hangs up. 

The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment. 

Then Sidney shouts out aloud, "Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?"  

Respect

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law in two years. 
We haven't quarreled.  I just did not want to interrupt her.

Husbands

The speaker at our woman's club was lecturing on marriage and asked the audience how many of us wanted to "mother" our husbands. 

One member in the back row raised her hand.

"You want to mother your husband?" the speaker asked. "Mother?" the woman echoed. "I thought you said smother."

Whack

I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”

“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”

That spider never knew what hit it.

Sides

Josh, looking for a free meal entered a wedding hall and joined the "Harrison" wedding. He went over to the buffet piled his plate high with petit fours from one table, kebobs, stir fry and veal chops from another table. While thoroughly enjoying himself a man approaches him and says, "Hi my name his Charlie, are you on the bride or grooms side."

Josh looks up from his plate of deliciousness and responds, "What!? They're only married five minutes and they're already fighting?"

Doctor's Orders

A man goes to his doctor and says "Hi Doc, remember me"?
"No, but what can I do for you?"
"You know Doc, I came to you two months ago. You said I had pneumonia, gave me some medicine and advised me to not to have a bath"
"So?"
"Well I'm fine, thanks. I just wanted to know, can I have a bath now?"  

Ethics

Issy was the proud co-owner of the local dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, whilst he was finishing his chicken soup, his 9 year old son Sam asked, "Dad, what’s ethics?"
Issy thought for a while, put down his spoon, looked at Sam and replied, "Okay, let's suppose someone comes into my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean.  Then suppose I find a $20 bill in his jacket pocket?"
Sam looked expectantly at his father.
"So," Issy said, "to answer your question, Sam, do I tell my partner I found the money?  That's ethics".

Brothers

Chaim was helping his younger brother Shmuly learn how to ride a bike, but every time he would start riding his Yarmulka would fall off. So their father suggested that Chaim keep his hand on Shmuly head. But after a few minutes, Chaim grew impatient and took his hand off Shmuly's head. 
Their father said, "What are you doing? Put your hand back on your brother's head." 
Chaim replied, "Am I my brother's kippah?" 

Where is yours?

A lady in her fifties sees a guy on the street smoking.
"Sir do you know smoking is bad for you and expensive? How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Lady I smoke 3 packs a day and they're $15 a pack"
"Sir that's over $300 a week! If you didn't smoke for 5 years you could buy a lexus!"
"Lady, let me ask you a question. Do you smoke?"
"No"
"So where's your lexus?"

Nothing  

Louis was talking to his friend Morris. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me. And that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other."  

It’s obvious
Young Morris asked his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?"  
His father, an expert at Talmudic reasoning, put down his newspaper and thought for a moment.  
He replied, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish". 
"Therefore, we should instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?"  
"To answer that, we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, 'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"  

The Dry Cleaners
Yitzhak wanted to clean his Tallis before Pesach. So he called his friend Lionel to ask which dry cleaner to use.
Lionel said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe’s Dry Cleaners on Main Street. He only charges $4." 
But when Yitzhak went to Moishe’s, he discovered that the shop had changed ownership and was now called Kelly’s Dry Cleaners. He asked the new owner, Sean, if he was keeping to the previous price list. Sean assured him that he was. Three days later, Yitzhak picked up his tallis and was given a bill for $12. 
So he says to Sean, "I thought you said you met Moishe's prices?" 
"I do," said Sean, "$4 for the prayer shawl and $8 to get all the knots out of the fringes!" 

Cloned Blemish-free Lambs
A bio-research institute in Israel is developing plans for cloning sheep. "When the Holy Temple is rebuilt, there will suddenly be a tremendous demand for blemish-free lambs to use for the Korban Pesach (pesach sacrifice)", explained its director.  
"We will be able to meet that demand by cloning."  
"Each lamb thus produced will be known as a Korban copy". 

Pesach Essentials
It is not generally known that a few years ago the Jewish community in Madrid discovered at the last moment that they had no horseradish for making chrain for Pesach. All the countries they asked replied in the same way, "Sorry, we have none left to send you." 
So, in desperation, the Spanish Chief Rabbi called his friend in Israel and begged him to immediately send him some horseradish by air freight. He agreed and three days before Pesach, a crate of the best grade of tear-jerking Israeli horseradish was loaded onto an El Al Flight to Madrid. All seemed to be going OK but when the Chief Rabbi went to the airport to pick up his desperately needed horseradish, he was shocked to learn that there was a strike and that no crates of any kind would be unloaded at the airport for at least four days. 
So, as it is said, “The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.” 

Likewise
When Louis was younger, he just hated going to family weddings. All of his uncles and aunts used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, "You're next, Louis." 
But they stopped doing that after Louis started doing the same thing to them at funerals.  

Punctuality
Bernstein walks into work one day at nine. He is very late The boss is furious. "You should have been here at eight-thirty!" he shouts.  
"Why?" says Shapiro. "What happened at eight-thirty?"

Etiquette
Yossi walks into a library and approaches the librarian.
Yossi: I would like to order spicy fries and a large coke. 
Librarian: What are you doing? This is a library.
Yossi: (whispering) I would like to order spicy fries and a large coke.

The message
Morris was in his front garden mowing the lawn when his neighbour came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. 
A little later, she came out of her house again, went to her mailbox, opened it, slammed it shut and went angrily back into the house. 
A few minutes later, she came out again, marched to her mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. 
Puzzled by her actions, Morris had to ask her, "Is something wrong, Sharon?" 
"There certainly is, Morris! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."  

The salesman
Rachel and Sarah met one day in the shopping center.
"Is it true, Rachel," asks Sarah, "that your son Ben has stopped practicing law?"
"Yes, it's true," replies Rachel, "he's now a salesman in a tailor shop."
"Congrats," says Sarah, "but a salesman? Is he any good at it?"
Rachel replies, "Is he any good? Why he's brilliant.
Only yesterday a woman came into his shop to buy a suit to bury her poor late husband in.
And guess what my Ben did? He talked her into buying an extra pair of trousers." 

Never Underestimate
This puny guys applies for a job as a lumberjack. "Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down, "You're just too small."
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," the guy pleads. "You won't regret it."
"Okay," says the boss. "See that giant oak over there? Let's see if you can chop it down." Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss. "Where'd you learn to cut trees like that?" he asks.
"The Sahara Forest."
"You mean the Sahara Desert ?"
"Sure, if that's what they call it now."  

A Tip
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

High Society
Maurice started his very own business, which almost immediately began to prosper. He was soon a very rich man. One day, his bank manager called him and said, "Maurice, I have a query on one of your recent checks. Could you confirm it is one of yours? For years, you've been signing all checks with two X's but this one is signed with three X's. Is it yours?" 
Maurice replied, "Yes, it is. Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."  

The Boss
Bob goes to see his boss one day and says, "My wife Natalie says I should see you.  
She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I'm entitled."  
Bob's boss replies, "Come back tomorrow. I'll ask my wife if I should give it to you. 

Dinner at Bubbe's
Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house.  
When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away.
"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don't we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook." 

Don't sell
Rabbi Hirsh lay on his hospital bed as his congregants and family sat close by, waiting to hear the dying words of their dear leader and father. The rabbi's attendant, Yitzy, takes the cup of milk from the hospital meal, goes outside to his car, adds half a cup of shnaps and sneaks back inside. "Here Rabbi", Yitzy says, "drink this; it'll be good for you". The congregation waits to hear prized words from their spiritual guide.
Rabbi Hirsh takes a sip of the milk and his eyes open a little wider and he sits a little straighter.
"Eh hem", he clears his throat and motions to them to come closer.
"Listen to what I have to tell you: don't sell the cow."

Who am I?
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and hurried out of the room.

Lost car
Several days ago, as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion that her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police, gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all,
"Honey," I stammered; (I always call her 'honey' in times like these) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot!" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

School Play
Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" Yossi says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"  

Just 1
Benjy had been arrested and was now up before the judge. 
The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke into the same clothes shop 3 times?" 
"Yes," replies Benjy. 
"Could you please tell the court what you stole." asks the judge. 
"I stole a dress, your honour," replies Benjy. 
"Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking in 3 times," says the judge. 
"Yes I did, your honour," says Benjy, "but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before." 
"Return the dress? Why? I don’t understand," says the judge. 
"Because my wife Bette didn't like the design, your honor."  

Stepping on it
Howard was 90 years old, very ill and in the hospital, and his Rabbi went to pay him a visit.
As the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard 's condition began to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a pencil and a piece of paper, Howard used his last ounce of energy to write a short note. Then he died. 
The Rabbi placed the note in his jacket pocket and said prayers. 
Later, at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly remembered the note. 
"I’ve just remembered," said the Rabbi to those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of comfort in it for all of us." 
The Rabbi opened the note and read, "Help, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" 

Last Wish
Old Chaim is dying. His entire mishpocha is sitting around his bed, subdued and not knowing what else they can do. 
They ask him, “Chaim, maybe we can fulfil your last wish?” 
“Yes... I'd like ... a cup of tea ... with two teaspoons ... of sugar.” 
“Why?” they ask him. 
“I’ve had a long life... and all of that time... when I drank tea in my own house... I used one spoon of sugar... When I had tea... in someone else's house... I put three spoons of sugar in my cup... But really... really... all my life... I loved tea... with two spoonfuls of sugar.” 

Strategy
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution. 
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States." 
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!" 
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over. 
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?" 

Politicians
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. 
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. 
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, and taken illegal drugs. 
I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession." 

The threat
Sami walks into his boss's office. "Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies very interested in me - they're constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise."
 After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
 "By the way," asks the boss as Sam is getting up, "which three companies keep calling you?"
 "If you must know," says Sam, "It's the electric company, water company, and phone company."
 

Wedding gifts
Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah, age 89, to marry him and she has accepted. Mazeltov! They are both very excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding arrangements. On their walk they pass a large pharmacy and decide to go in. Maurice asks to see the owner.
When a young man comes up to them, Maurice asks, "Are you the owner?"
"Yes I am," says the man, "how can I help?"
"We're about to get married," says Maurice. "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," replies the owner.
"How about medicine for improving circulation?" asks Maurice.
"We stock all kinds, sir."
"What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?" asks Sarah.
"Yes, no problem, madam."
Sarah then asks, "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's, medicine for memory problems, arthritis and jaundice?"
"Yes, we stock a large variety of all of these. The works, madam."
Maurice then asks, "Do you sell wheelchairs?"
"Our speciality. We have many sizes and all speeds."
Maurice finally says to the owner, "OK. We'd like to set up our wedding gifts registry here, please." 

Longevity
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough." 

An old friend
Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met."
Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"

The old thing
The Rothsteins were going out for dinner.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, they saw a cat run in. 
So Mr. Rothstein ran back inside to chase it out.
Mrs. Rothstein, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, said to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, Mr. Rothstein got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!" 

Change
Mogadishu Yogi is visiting Brookly. During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack bar called “Benjy’s Hot Dogs” and as he wants to try everything, he goes into the shop and says, "Make me a hot dog with everything."
Benjy goes to work and soon puts together a loaded hot dog. He hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with a $10 bill, which Benjy quickly puts into his pocket.
"So," asks Mogadishu Yogi, "where's my change?"
Benjy replies, "Change must come from within."

How old
In an all-Jewish school, a Russian man decided to disrupt a math class.
He stormed in and cried, "You Jews think you're so smart, try and answer this! There are seven trains going all around the country with sixteen cars on each train. There are thirty-three people on each car. How old am I?"
No one responds. A boy in the back stands up and says, "48."
Amazed, the Russian says "Yes! How did you know?"
The boy replied, "There's a man in our villiage that's twenty-four and is only half meshugah." 

Timing
Paul and Bernard are out enjoying themselves one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Bernard says to Paul, "listen, Paul, I have a problem, you know I don't swim well at all."
But luckily, Paul remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class years ago when he was just a youngster and so he begins pulling Bernard towards safety. After fifteen minutes of this, however, Paul begins to grow quite tired – all his energy had left him. And finally, just 100 feet from land, Paul asks Bernard, "So Bernard, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Bernard replies, " Paul, this is a heck of a time to be asking about money!"

Missing Towels
As soon as Issy got home from work one evening, his wife Becky came up to him and said, "Issy, our au pair has stolen two of our towels."
"Oh, really," said Issy, not looking very interested, "that wasn't a nice thing to do."
"You're right it wasn't," said Becky, "they were the best towels we had, the two we got from the Hilton Eilat while we were on vacation last year."

Membership
Izzy is sitting in synagogue one Shabbat morning when he falls asleep and starts to snore. The synagogue care taker quickly comes over to him, taps him softly on his shoulder and says, "Please stop your snoring, Izzy, you're disturbing the others in the shul."
"Now look here," says Issy, "I always pay my membership in full, so I feel I have a right to do whatever I want."
"Yes, I agree," replies the caretaker, "but your snoring is keeping everybody else awake." 

Surprise
Avrahom walks into a department store and goes straight to the perfumery department.  He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace." 

The Catch
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Irrigated
Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy. 
“You look surprised,” said a resident. 
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected this place to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell” 
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the daylights out of the place!” 

Stranded
Three guys are alone on a desert island: an engineer, a biologist and an economist. They are starving and don't have a thing to eat, but somehow they find a can of beans on the shore.
The engineer says: "Let's hit the can with a rock until it opens."
The biologist has another idea: "No. We should wait for a while. Erosion will do the job."
Finally, the economist says: "Let's assume that we have a can opener". 

On the Train
Sadie sits down next to an attractive man on the train and says, "You look just like my fourth husband".
The man replies, "Your fourth husband? So how many times have you been married, lady?"
"Three," replies Sadie. 

Front row
Issy was part of a group being shown around the latest theatre in Tel Aviv by the owner. The theatre was enormous – the size of at least 2 soccer fields. But Issy couldn’t help noticing that it had only four rows of seats right at the front.
So Issy asked the owner, “Why are there only 4 rows of seats? You could of got thousand of seats in this space.”
The owner replied, “The people here only want to sit in the first four rows. If they can’t, they don’t book to see the shows.” 

The Hat
Becky and Myron decided to take their little son from the heat of the city to his first visit to the beach. Dressed in his little sailor suit and hat and pail and shovel in hand, the boy happily played at the water's edge as his mother and father spread their picnic blanket. Then suddenly, to his parents' horror, a huge wave crashed down on the boy and then dragged him far out to sea. As neither of his parents could swim, his mother began to wail and cry, "Dear God, be merciful. Return our son to us!"
Suddenly another huge wave cast the boy back up on the sand at his parents' feet. His mother inspected her son and then quickly looked back towards the heavens and said, "He had a hat!"   

The Guests
Rabbi Bloom was in the park one Sunday when he meets three members of his Synagogue who have not attended services in some time. They are a little embarrassed but he encourages them to come to shull. Next Shabbos they make an appearance, but because they turn up some time after service began, all the main seats are filled. Several other latecomers were already seated on folding chairs.
Rabbi Bloom calls over the Shammas. "Moishe, please get three chairs for our guests in the back."
Moishe is a bit deaf so he leans closer and says, "I beg your pardon, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Bloom again says, "Get three chairs for our guests in the back."
Moishe was puzzled but as there was a lull in the service, he goes to the front of the shull and loudly announces, "The Rabbi says, 'Give three cheers for our pests in the back!'" 

Respect
Little Sammy came home from school one day and found his mother in a new mink coat.
"Wow, Mom. That poor animal must have suffered terribly just so you could have a fur coat."
"Why, Sammy!" exclaimed his shocked mother. "What kind of a way is that to talk about your father?" 

The Boss
Benny was fed up with being bossed around by his wife Leah so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up his self-esteem. So he lent Benny a book on assertiveness. Benny started to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he had finished the book.
Benny strode manfully into the house, walked over to Leah, pointed his finger at her and said, "From now onwards you must get it into your head that I and not you make all the decisions in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare me my favourite meal and I expect a special mouth-watering dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of the bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"Abrahamson, the funeral director, that’s who." replied Leah. 

Police Stop
"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?" 

Good Help
Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished Hymie is delighted but soon after realises that he's forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs on the doors.
He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except on the bathrooms. He's worried that the decorator won't put them up correctly.
However, the job is carried out entirely to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those little boxes and left them on the table for you."  

Checkup
"You're in great shape," says the doctor. "You're going to live to be 70."
"But I am 70," Issy replies.
"Nu," says the doctor, "did I lie?"  

In View
Morris had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as Morris was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," a very embarrassed Morris said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this???"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window..." 

At Dinner
One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe.
He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone."
"Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe.
"No, - I’m being serious." 

Puzzled
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 
She lets her in and shows her where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 
She studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 
 "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 
She takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," she says with a deep sigh, 
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Unhappy
Rachel was talking to her best friend Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?” 
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth, Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost twenty five pounds already.” 
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she leave him already?” 
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose thirty pounds!” 

Holy Flyers
Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious people aboard this plane."
A few minutes later, the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy people aboard this flight, he would still rather have just one good engine." 

Lost Husband
Sadie’s husband Bernie didn’t come home from work one day. She was a bit worried because she had not received any calls from him to say he’d be late. She called his office, but there was no reply and she tried his cell phone, but it was switched off. By 9pm, she was very worried. She called all the people who might have known where he was, but nobody knew. At 10pm, she decided to go to the police station and report him missing.
When she got there, she told the officer, "I don’t know what to do. My husband Bernie didn’t come home from work today. I can’t live without him. Please help me."
"OK, madam, " he replied, "calm down. I just need you to answer a few simple questions."
“Ask away, " she replied.
"First of all, can you describe him for me? I need this so we can put out a search for him."
"Well, officer, he’s 52 with brown eyes and dark brown hair – what’s left of it. He’s well built – well that’s not strictly true, he’s quite fat really, and he sweats a lot. He’s also got what I call an aggressively loud voice. He’s got two missing front teeth….he wears thick old fashioned glasses….and he’s…wait a minute officer, I’ve had second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t bother looking for him." 

New Baby 
Sam picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam try his hand at changing a diaper.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."
The next time soon came around, so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said innocently,
"I didn't mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby." 

Belief
One sunny Sabbath afternoon, Shlomo and Issy, two old friends, meet for the first time in years. After exchanging the usual amenities, they sit down on a bench to talk.
Shlomo says, "Issy, people are telling me you don’t go to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe in G‑d?"
Issy looks uncomfortable and hurriedly changes the subject.
The next afternoon, they meet on the bench again.
"You must tell me, Issy, " Shlomo says, "Don’t you believe in our G‑d anymore?"
Issy replies, "Here is a straight answer to a straight question. No, I don’t."
Shlomo asks, "Why didn’t you tell me that yesterday?"
Issy, deeply shocked, exclaims, "G‑d forbid - on Shabbat?" 

Comfort
Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe's head and asked, “Are you comfortable?”
Moshe replied, “I make a nice living.”  

Identity
Moishe was in a bagel shop in New York, Next to him sat a bussines person, so he decided to say something.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Miami."
"What are you doing in NY?"
"I'm finishing my Ph.D."
"What's it about?"
"It's a study of which group of men have the best genes."
"And what is the conclusion?"
"The two groups are Indians and Jews."
"Nice to meet you, my name is Caramuru Goldstein!"

Time
The synagogue wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management. Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Rabbi.
“What time does the course start, Rabbi?”
The Rabbi replied, “Oh... fivish, sixish....” 

Rosh Hashanah
"Hi. This is President Barak Obama. Is Senator Lieberman in?"
 "Not today, Mr. President. This is Rosh Hashonah."
"Well, hello, Rosh. Can I leave a message?" 

Marriage
Hannah comes home from her afternoon out with Arnold looking very unhappy.
"What’s the matter, Hannah?" asks her mother.
"Arnold has asked me to marry him," she replies.
"Mazeltov! But why are you looking so sad?" her mother asks.
"Because he also told me that he was an atheist. He doesn't even believe in Hell."
Her mother then says, "That’s all right Hannah, it really isn’t a problem. I suggest you marry him and then I will show him how wrong he is."  

Best time
It was Hetty and Benjy’s Silver Wedding anniversary.
Hetty says, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, Benjy? I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t talk for an hour."
Benjy replies, "Yes, of course I do, Hetty. How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."  

The Perfect Shot
Beverly stood over her tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. She looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Then she started over again. All this was driving her partner Nancy crazy.
Finally Nancy said, "Oy vey! What's taking you so long? Hit the blasted ball  already!" 
Becerly replied, "But Nancy, my husband Abe is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, Beverly, you'll never hit him from here!"  

Right to left
A disappointed Coca Cola salesman returns from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make it. But, I had a problem. I didn't know Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message via three posters.
The first poster was a man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted.
The second poster was the man drinking the Coca Cola.
The third poster was the man now totally refreshed.
"These posters were pasted all over the place."
"That should have worked!!" said the friend.
"Of course it should have!!" said the salesman. "ButI didn't realize that Israelis read from right to left!!!"  

Getting old
Harry makes an emergency appointment to see his doctor.
“Doctor,” says Harry, “just look at the mess I’m in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?”
The doctor looks at Harry and calmly says, “Well, for a start, there’s certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight…”   

Protection
Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest.
"Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course," replied
the Rabbi, somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to
you, that in this town we are plagued by thieves.
Scarcely a day passes, without one of my members coming to me, bemoaning
the fact, that his house has been broken into.
On the other hand, I have noticed, that thieves do not bother you Jews, nearly as  much".
The Rabbi answered: “Yes, You are correct." "but why is that?" Inquired  the priest:
The Rabbi said: "See this little box, on the side of my door post, it's called a Mezuzah.
We Jews believe, that when we put a Mezuzah on the entrances to our houses,
the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us, and our property."
"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause
of a pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuzah to the priest.
Two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened, by the sound of someone pounding
violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs.
"Who's there?" the Rabbi asked. "Open the door, open the door!" screamed a
voice on the other side.
The Rabbi opened the door to see the priest standing in front of him, in great
distraught. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you not
protected from robbers?"
"I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" screamed the priest.
"Who?" asked the Rabbi.
"The Fundraisers!!" 

Parachute
An Israeli and an Egyptian are the lone passengers on a plane. Suddenly, the plane's engines conk out. Immediately, the Egyptian grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the Israeli, "How will you survive?"
The rabbi answers, "Don't worry about me, he took my tallis bag by mistake."    

How to say it
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." 
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." 

Business
Max was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.
One day his partner Benjy said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to $10 each, we still can’t sell any.”
Max replied, “Use your head, Benjy. Price them at $20 and send all our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for $80 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the $80.”
“What a terrific idea,” said Benjy. “I’ll send them out today.”
Two week’s later, Benjy says to Max, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of our clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.” 

The Owner
A nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.
 
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you."

This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."  
 
So the guy says to the bartender, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Onions
At his 100th birthday Moshe was asked to explain his longevity. 
"Onions." Onions? 
"Yes, onions. Every morning I eat a whole onion for breakfast. At noon I eat 2 onions. In the evening I have 2 onions, and before bed 1 more onion. Then at night when the Angel of Death comes and calls out "Moshe, Moshe", I face him directly and answer "Whoooooo?"    

Sizing Up
Moshe and Abe were partners in a very successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and there wasn’t much they didn’t know about the shmatta business. One day, Moshe decided to take a trip to Israel.
As Abe had many  friends in Israel, he surprised Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Prime Minister.
On Moshe’s first day back at work after his trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Prime Minister?"
Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44 regular."   

Taxi 
Yitsy and Henya, a young orthodox couple, were expecting their first baby. Suddenly, Henya’s water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Yitsy wanted to try and minimise the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Yitsy and Henya were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?”  

What
Avrahom was reading an article out loud to his wife. “Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?”
Sadie replies, “The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.”
Avrahom turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"  

The Reader
Rabbi Bloom ran a Talmud class at Yeshiva. He was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up from his books. Often, when he called up a student for translation and explanation, without realizing it, he chose the same student day after day. But out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
Hymie had already been called up on three consecutive days when the Rabbi once again said "Hymie Himmelfarb, come up here and translate and explain."
Hymie replied, "Himmelfarb is absent today, Rabbi."
"OK," said the Rabbi, "why don’t you come up here and translate and explain instead."  

The save
One early winter morning, an old Chassid was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard to stay afloat. The old Chassid jumped in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.
A passer by saw this and said, "That was so very brave of you! Are you a vet?"
The old Chassid replied, "Of course I'm a vet! I'm a freezing cold as vell!"

Help
Chaim comes home from golfing to find his wife, Rochel on her hands and knees cleaning the floors with a toothbrush. "I'm here to help you, my dear," he says. "Oh, no!," replies Rochel, "The best way for you to help me is to go back to the golf course." Two hours later, Chaim is back again and a surprised Rochel says, "Chaim, what are you doing home so early?" to which Chaim impatiently replies, "Did you think I was going to help you all day?"

The Singer
Leah walks into a pet shop and says to Hymie, the owner, "I want to buy a canary."
"We have many types," says Hymie, "is there any particular one you’re after?"
"Yes," replies Leah, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good gelt (money) for a great singing bird."
"Lady, I’ve got the very one," says Hymie, "I’ve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I’ve ever heard. We don’t call it ‘Pavarotti’ for nothing. I’ll get it for you."
Hymie brings the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Leah, "Just you listen."
With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, "What mazel (luck) - this canary really can sing."
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts out, "Oy Vay, this canary’s only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me, or what?"
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies, "Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"  

Like A Baby
Yitzhak and Melvyn live in a retirement home. One day, as they are sitting on a bench under a tree, Yitzhak turns to Melvyn and says, "Melvyn, I'm 85 years old and I'm full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
Melvyn replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yes," replies Melvyn, "no hair, no teeth and I can hardly walk."

The Bus Ride

The Helpful Waiter

The lesson 

Birds 

Talent Show
As a fundraiser the local Hebrew School decided to hold a talent show for the community. The night of the show finally  arrived  and  the  auditorium was packed with  community people.

One of the performers was a  teenage girl playing the piano and singing Hava Nagila. During her song the grandmother sees a man in the audience crying. 

 

The Sermon