Jokes

Cross talk
Rabbi Rabinovitz went in to beg his board of directors to buy a new synagogue chandelier. Arguing and pleading for over an hour, he eventually sat down believing he had failed.
Suddenly, the president of the board said, "Why are we wasting time talking'? "First of all, a chandelier, ... why, we haven’t got anyone who could even spell it. Second, we haven’t got anyone who could even play it. And lastly, what we really need in the shul is more light!"

The proposal
Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so. Wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember, but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to his proposal.
"Oh", Hetty said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

My darling wife
Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

The check-up
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'"

A fishy story
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt- water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. That fish always had to be present at the Seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

Look to the future
Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response. “Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”

It’s obvious
Issy and Jacob are walking down the street when it starts to rain, and in no time at all, it’s raining quite hard. Luckily, Issy is carrying an umbrella.
"Nu," says Jacob. "So when are you going to open the umbrella?"
"It won't do us any good," says Issy. "It's full of holes."
"So why then did you bring it?" replies Jacob.
"Because," Issy says with shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."

The two farmers
Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo. “I'm also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.
“You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?" asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."
"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that."

The Taxi Driver
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test.
The examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"

The Taxi Driver
Moe Bloom had just picked up his first passenger of the evening. After about 5 minutes of driving, the passenger suddenly tapped Maurice on his shoulder to ask him a question.
Maurice screamed, lost control of his taxi, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the pavement and stopped only inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything went very quiet in the taxi, then Maurice said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me."
His passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap could scare you so much."
Maurice replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is only my second day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the past 25 years."

Thou shall not lie
Harry gets stopped by a police car. When the police officer gets to his car, Harry says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 65 in a 50mph zone.
Harry: No sir, I was going 50.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 70.
Harry gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken brake light.
Harry: Broken brake light? I didn't know about a broken brake light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that brake light for months.
Harry gives his wife a really dirty look.
Officer: I am also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt.
Harry: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Harry turns to his wife and yells, " Shut your mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and says, "Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

The magician
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?

The operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when! I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

The warning
David, a senior citizen, was driving down the I87, when his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the I87. So please be careful!"
"Yes I know," said David, "But it's not just one...there are dozens of them!"

I can hear you
Maurice Goldblatt was showing off. He said to his friend Sam, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me $2,000.
Sam said, "That’s expensive, isn’t it? "
Maurice replied, "Yes, but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" Sam asked.
"A quarter to twelve," said Maurice.

The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered Bernie, "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

The Israeli worker's union
Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government- owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

The Israeli archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Mealtime
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

The drinker
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife, Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

The tourist
A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting. Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language”
“Why?” says his friend, “that guy knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

The convert
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $200.00’
Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what’s going on?”
“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Shlomo says, “What, are you crazy?”
Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo, I’m going to do it.”
With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed. “So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your $200.00?”
Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”

The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Exclusive Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".

Hagbah!
In their infinite wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul. With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again. He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course - push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
Six month’s later, he's back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and ays, "What do you think of that, then?"
The Gabbai replies, "Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."

Shadchen
A shadchen goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadchen responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadchen approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadchen goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."

Moishe Cohen
Walking through London’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Cohen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

Jewish jokes
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."

Hot Soup
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew arrive in Heaven and each is judged. The angel escorts the Frenchman to his heavenly reward. They enter a beautifully arranged banquetting hall with all the foods that a French connoiseur could dream of. All the delicacies of a lifetime.
The Frenchman turns to the angel and says "this can't be mine. I was immoral most of my life and was hardly G‑d fearing."
The angel replies "There is a hitch. Everyday at 5:00pm they will bring in a large pot of soup boiling hot. You will be immersed in it. If you can take the pain you can partake of the banquet."
"Sorry" said the Frenchman "I just could not tolerate the pain."
The Italian too is taken to his reward a similar banquet with pasta ohn a shiur, and all the best Italian foods. Again a similar dialogue takes place, the Italian admitting to a life of financial fraud and debauchery. He too is advised that at 5:00pm each day he will be immersed in a boiling hot pot of ministrone and again states that the pain would be too much to bear.
Finally the Jew gets taken to his eternal rewards. A Reich special with all the galeretta, chopped liver etc imaginable. He too cannot believe his luck.
"I never went to Shul, hardly kept shabboss and Kashrus was honoured in the breach. How can this be mine?"
Again the same response; "5:00pm each day, boiling hot chicken soup. If you can take the pain the banquet is yours."
"Fine said the Yidel, I'll take it". "Excuse me" says the angel but the Frenchman and Italian both declined, what makes you different?"
"I know Jewish functions" he replies "5:00pm is not 5:00pm and the soup is never that hot."

The plaque
One Yom Kippur after morning services, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good day, David."
"Good day, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Rosh Hashanah or the Yom Kippur service?"

Kol Nidre night
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight is the final game of the World Series. Rabbi, I'm a life long fan. I've got to watch the game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill. "I'll Pay!" shouts McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the headline in the newspaper reads, "Scotsman Angrily Searches For Jewish ventriloquist."

The visit to Mars
Two astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to- face with a couple of green Martians.
"How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut. "They look pretty primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."
"OK." says the first.
He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.
"I think it's working - light it!" says the second.
The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red.
"Wow!" says the first, "they must really be impressed."
Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"

Saved by the bear?
Solomon is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave. But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed—also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're mishpocheh—I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ." 

Telling the future
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh, don’t talk now, Bush is coming."

The deal
Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father replied "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. His father replied, "Joseph, I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
Joseph waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"

The rumpus
Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while.
Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
She replies, "It's a partners' meeting."
"But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It's a battle of wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."

The Headache.
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."

The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you a year to live."

Going For A Drive
Sam was driving down the road and gets pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank goodness - I'd thought I'd gone deaf."

Flying High
Marvin and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
Marvin turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?" "Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"

Tickets, anyone?
Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year. Somehow, they've been lucky and manage to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there's an empty seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand, we were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."
Freda is horrified and apologises for being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the shiva."

The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Miami.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who tells his father about a girl he has just met.
His father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg.
"Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

How he got the job
David has done well for himself and is Mayor of a small town in Israel.
One day, David and his wife Andrea are walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers stops and calls out "What's new, Andrea?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," Andrea replies.
She turns to introduce David to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After David and Andrea continue on, he turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
"Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same high school. I even thought about marrying him."
David began to say. "You realise how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a Mayor!"

Taking it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime, Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right. You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

COHEN and O'REILLY
Moshe is walking along the Street and sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another's throats, have come together like this.
The little Jewish man seems unmoved 'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks.
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm. 'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'

What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University." Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."

A dog in Shull
During Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
"Its really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"

A Rabbis Blessing
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat.
Across the street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," Bernie said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

Havaii.
Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday. As usual, they ended up arguing.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you." Hetty said.
"Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn. 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced." Isaac says.
And so it went on all the way till they got there. As soon as they got off the plane, they asked a porter, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," replied the porter.
"Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right."
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
"You're Velcome."

The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States—the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"

The best slalom skier in the world
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly, one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds, and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Someone afixed a mezuzah to each gate"

The witness
Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
"How old are you?", asked the attorney.
"I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
"What did you say?"
"I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years old."
"Please just give a simple answer to my question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
"Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
The judge then intervened, "If you don't want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question and only the question." The defence counsel then got up and said to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards Abe.
"Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
Abe replied, "Eightytwo."

The hearing test
Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice, Yes I can!"

The loan
Jack walks into a central Manhattan bank and says he's going to Israel for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Jack returns to the bank and repays the 5,000 plus interest of 9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow 5,000?"
"Where else in central Manhattan could I park my car for two weeks for 9.41.

The visit to the dentist
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Two hundred dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to a hundred and fifty dollars."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only a hundrd dollars."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just fifty dollars."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my husband for next Tuesday!"

The phone call
Morris calls his son in New York.
"Benny, I have something to tell you. I'm divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight to LA. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after Passover. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
After hanging up, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, the kids will be here for the Seders, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here Rosh Hashanah."

The last meal
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait.

Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in the park talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst for Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

The dog
A little old lady get on a plane. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage."
She agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
When the plane lands and she goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", she exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings."
"This is not my dog", she insists.
"How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain.
"My dog is dead!"

The convert
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

The IRS
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"

The yiddish speaker
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Boro Park.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"

Gourmet food
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

The dream
Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

The Tailor
A fellow came to a tailor to have a suit made for a special occasion. When the suit was ready the man came to the tailor's shop to try it on. To his horror he discovered that one sleeve was significantly longer than the other sleeve and one pants leg was about 10cm shorter than it need be. The fellow complained to the tailor. The event was that evening and he needed the suit.
The tailor advised the desperate fellow that he should pull his arm up in such a fashion that the short- sleeved arm sits right at the hand. He contorted himself as recommended. Then he suggested that he shift his weight in such a way that the cuff of the all too short pant leg comes right to the shoe.
He paid for the ill-fitted suit and went off limping down the street. Two gentlemen were walking behind him and were observing how he was ambulating down the street. One man said to the other, "Look at that unfortunate fellow, how disfigured and misshapen he is!" To which his colleague replied on a positive note, "At least he has a good tailor!"

Two perspectives
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping together. They put up a tent and lay down inside to enjoy a tranquil rest around the fire. In middle of the night, Sherlock turns to Dr. Watson and says, "So what are you thinking about now"?
Watson responds: "Sherlock! This is awesome. I'm gazing at the celestial stars hovering above us, I'm overwhelmed by the romantic splendor of the night, and I'm engulfed by the picturesque view of the Double Decker.
"And what are you thinking about"? asks Watson.
"That someone stole our tent," Sherlock replies.

Two perspectives
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, and household articles in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half-hour ago."

 Copernicus and the poor man
A wealthy man threw a party in honor of his son's graduation from university. A poor man happened to be in the vicinity, and joined the party. Amidst all the commotion he was let in and seated at the far end of the table.
"Son," the wealthy man said, "share with us some of the great knowledge that you have acquired in the university."
"Well," began the son, "Copernicus proved that the earth turns on its axis."
"That is false!" came the objection from the poor man at the other end of the table.
"How do you know? Prove it!" shouted the student.
"It is very simple," replied the beggar. "If the earth turned on its axis, then the food that was placed at the head of the table would have by now come to this side of the room."

The ape and the lion
Dov is an Jewish actor, so down and out he's ready to settle for any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that, " says Dov.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.
At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo- goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Ado-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!" (Hear O Israel, the Lord is our G‑d, the Lord is one!)
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed!" (Blessed is the name of His glorious kingship forever and ever!)
"Shut up, you idiots," a panda bear mutters from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired!"

Angelic rabbis
A community was asked about the qualities of their former rabbi.
"He can be compared to Moses, King David, and even an angel," came the response.
The new community eagerly accepted the rabbi as their spiritual leader but quickly realized he was incapable of anything. They wrote a letter to the other community, complaining as to why they deceived them.
To which they received a reply, "We were not deceiving you. Just like Moses — this rabbi can't speak. He knows not a word of English — like King David. And just as an angel — a mentsh he is not."

Oy Vey
Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.
The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."
The second lady nods, sighs and says, "Oy vey!"
The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"
The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

Midnight lecture
A Jewish man is speeding the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?"
"To a lecture," the man responds.
"Who will give you a lecture at this hour," the policeman asks.
"My wife," was the reply.

Wisdom of a child
A child sees the bulletin of the Synagogue announcing that the congregation had just hired a new rabbi, his name is Rabbi Dr. Epstein. The child is so excited that the new rabbi is also a doctor, that the next time he has a stomach ache, he calls the Synagogue.
"I would like to speak to the Rabbi Dr.," the boy says. The rabbi gets on the line and asks how he can be of help. "Well rabbi, the boy says, I have a stomach ache and I was wondering what you suggest I do."
"Sorry son, I'm not a medical doctor," replies the rabbi.
"What type of doctor are you?" asks the boy. "I am a Dr. of Philosophy," was the response.
The child thought for a moment and then asked, "What type of sickness is that?"

The rabbi's wish
A Presbyterian Minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi are discussing funerals and the question came up, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"
The Presbyterian Minister says "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
The Catholic Priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a loyal servant of God who brought forgiveness and love to people's lives."
The Rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"

A gift to a mother
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 12 years to teach him. I had to spend $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote, my first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so bored and he is rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Two Jews in Moscow
Two Jews were standing and talking on a Moscow street. One of them did not have official papers permitting him to be in Moscow at the time. When a police officer approached them to verify their documents, the Jew with the documents told his friend not to worry as he began to run from the officer.
The officer began to chase him. When he finally caught up, the officer asked him to show his documents, which he did. The officer asked him, "Why did you run away from me when you have the right documents?"
"My doctor told me to run one mile each day," responded the Jew.
"But why didn't you stop when you saw me running after you," asked the officer.
"I thought your doctor told you the same," said the Jew.

Deadly Service
On Saturday morning one Memorial Day weekend, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, David."
"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?"
"Well, David, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, Friday night or Saturday morning?"

Life with the KGB
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello? Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Mom's perspective
Two Jewish mothers met for coffee.
"Well, Mildred," asked one. "How are your son and daughter doing?"
"To tell you the truth," answered the second, "my Daniel has married a real good-for-nothing. She doesn't get out of bed until eleven. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what and when he gets home exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Psha! "She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"And Layla?"
"Ah! Layla has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a beautiful restaurant."

The size of a man
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger decides to make
for himself a custom-maid beautiful three-piece suit
of the finest material. During his next trip to Italy, he
has himself measured by a world-renown designer,
who subsequently gives him the material for his suit.
When he arrives in Paris and presents the
material to the skilled tailor, the man measures his
body and says: "Sorry, Mr. Kissinger, but a man your
size need at least another two inches of material."
Surprised, Dr. Kissinger continues his journey to
London. There, the tailor says, "I am sorry, Mr.
Secretary of State, but to turn this into a suite for
your body, I need another three inches of the
material."
Disappointed, he arrives in Beijing. There the
widely acclaimed Chinese tailor remarks, "I really
don't understand what you were thinking, Mr.
Kissinger. Your body is far larger then this material.
We need another five inches."
Finally, an angry Dr. Kissinger arrives in Tel Aviv.
He presents the material to a local Jewish tailor. The
tailor measures him and says: "You actually don't
need so much material, but I will cut off some of it
and will turn the remainder of it into a stunning suit."
Kissinger is astonished. "Can you explain to me
this enigma," he asks the tailor. "I have traveled the
world and everybody has claimed that I need much
more material. What is going on here?"
"Oh, it's quite simple," the Israeli tailor responds.
In Italy, you are a big man; in Paris, you are even a
bigger man; in London you are a great man and in
Beijing you are a giant of a man.
"Here in Israel, you are a small man."

What Time Is It
There was once this fellow who did not own a watch. Whenever he wanted to know the time, he would simply ask someone.
"Why don't you just buy a watch?" a coworker finally snapped at him after being asked one time too many.
"Why should I buy a watch, when I can simply ask!"
"Well," asked his coworker, "What do you do in middle of the night?"
"I use a Shofar!" said the fellow.
"A Shofar?"
"Yes. Whenever I want to know the time, I go to the window, I blow the Shofar, and all my neighbors start yelling, 'What are you doing? It's two in the morning!'"

A doctors advice
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely deteriorate and die."

"Each morning," instructed the doctor, "fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Have the dinner waiting for him on the table, hot, as he arrives home from work. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging is allowed. You must also compliment him at least five-six times a day, telling him how brilliant and talented he is. And most importantly, never disagree with him.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year," the doctor said, "I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Denial of an alcoholic
A man came to a bar on a nightly basis, ordering two glasses of Crown Royal. When the bartender asked him why he never changed his order, the man explained that he had a friend with whom he drank a nightly glass of Crown Royal for many years.

"My friend was drafted and died in Korea," the man sighed, "and I decided to immortalize him by drinking two glasses of Crown Royal every night. One glass I drink for him; the other for myself."

One night, after thirty years, the man entered the bar and ordered a single glass of Crown Royal.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Oh," the man responded, "I quit drinking."

Almost a Bad Day at Work
A man joined a multinational company as a trainee. On his first day he
dialed the cafeteria and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool. You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," replied the CEO.

"Good!" replied the trainee as he put down the phone.

A Jewish Indian chief
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief, who was really a Jew dressed like an Indian, if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was really Jewish, he had never been taught the old Indian secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the meteorologist again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

What's the Rush?
As the avalanche swept through the streets, Barney Wassermann jumped into the first building he saw to avoid getting buried, not realizing that he'd entered a cathedral. He sat down and heard the evangelist say, "All those who would like to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven should rise."

Everyone stood up, except Barney.

"You!" shouted the preacher. "Don't you want to enter the Gates of Heaven?"

"Of course," responded Barney, "but what's the rush?"

Jewish customs
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Sabbath, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down..."

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

In the flames
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside
the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Morris Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that lousy truck!"

Empathy
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks he's stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child.

"Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.

"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"

The right to know
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel in Room 302," the woman answered.

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

Discovering Your Name
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus on his first day of kindergarten.

"Please behave, my bubaleh," she says.

"Take good care of yourself and think about your mother who is waiting for you, tataleh!"

"And come right back home on the bus, my shepseleh."

"Remember, your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketzeleh!"

At the end of the school day, the bus returns. She runs to her son and hugs him.

"So what did the love of my life learn on his first day of school?" she asks.

"I learned my name is David," is the boy's response.

Two beggars
There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by, stopped and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him triple the amount just out of spite to you."

The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the cross beggar, said: "Moshe! Look who's trying to teach us marketing."

Jimmy's Birthday Gift
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things and playing soft music  anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. When he shook the bird, it got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, Jimmy quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Jimmy was astounded at the bird's change in attitude. Before he could ask what changed him, the parrot said, "May I ask what the chicken did?"